Funeral etiquette: dress, flowers, cards and thanks

The deceased's wishes override custom

Finnish funeral etiquette is restrained and fairly uniform, but it is not a rulebook. The Funeral Act requires that the deceased's conviction and wishes are respected, and the same applies to customs: if the deceased wished for colourful dress, particular music or a donation to a cause they cared about instead of flowers, that wish comes before custom. The family announces such wishes in the death notice, the invitation or at the start of the service, and a guest should follow them without hesitation. If no wishes have been expressed, the usual etiquette is a safe choice. The advice in this guide applies both to a church blessing and to a civil farewell ceremony; the difference is mainly that seating and programme are agreed more freely at a civil ceremony. When unsure, you can always ask us or the family; asking is never tactless.

Dress

Funeral dress is proper: dark, covering and somewhat formal. Dark dress honours the deceased and the family. For men the usual choice is a dark suit, white shirt and dark tie; for women a dark dress, skirt or trouser suit. Black is not the only option: navy or dark grey suits equally well, and the closest family sometimes wear black while other mourners wear dark tones. Coats and hats are removed in the chapel and church. Today the dress code can be looser, and the deceased may have wished for colourful or everyday clothes; then that wish is followed. Lacking dark formal clothes is no reason to stay away from a funeral. A neat, restrained outfit is always enough, and your presence means more to the family than your clothes. For children, neat and darkish everyday clothes are enough.

Arrival, seating, phones and children

Arrive at the blessing in good time before the announced start so that everyone is seated when the music begins; a latecomer slips quietly into a back row. The coffin is usually already in front of the altar. The closest family sit in the front rows, other relatives, friends and colleagues behind them. If the verger or we show you to a seat, follow the guidance. Silence or switch off your phone before the service and do not use it in the chapel. Children are welcome at funerals. Tell the child beforehand what will happen at the service and why people are sad. A child expresses grief in their own way; at a funeral it is allowed to move and to show feelings, and a child needs an adult's support just as every mourner does. With a small child, sit near the aisle so that you can step out unnoticed if needed.

Laying flowers and what to say

The closest family's coffin spray lies on the coffin. Other mourners bring a small bouquet, a bouquet, a wreath or a single flower. Flowers are laid beside the coffin either at the start or the end of the service, or only at the grave; the pastor or the leader says when. The closest family lay their flowers first, then other relatives, friends and workplaces. A short greeting or a word of thanks is said as the flowers are laid; it can be the text written on the ribbon or a few words of your own. The words need not be long or solemn. Flower types, ribbon texts and prices are covered in the guide on funeral flowers and decorations. Common short greetings are the following.

• Rest in peace
• Thank you for everything
• A last greeting
• We remember you with love
• With longing

Condolence cards: sending and reading

A condolence card, or adressi, is a card or folded sheet on which you write your sympathy, perhaps a poem or a line of remembrance, and the senders' names. It can be brought to the blessing, where it is handed to the verger or left in the place set aside for cards, or sent to the family by post beforehand. A card can also be sent instead of flowers or in addition to them, and it suits especially when you cannot attend. At the memorial gathering the cards received can be read aloud, usually after the memorial speech and before the refreshments; the reader is agreed in advance. Not every card has to be read: some can be placed on the memorial table for guests to read, or the reading is left out entirely and one of the family thanks everyone for their sympathy. As a sender, write the names clearly so the family can thank you afterwards.

When you cannot attend

If you cannot come to the funeral, you can share in the grief in other ways: by calling, sending a message, a condolence card or flowers. Flowers are ordered from a florist straight to the chapel or church 2 to 4 days before the service, with a ribbon or card carrying the greeting and the senders' names. A card can be posted to the family, or you can ask an acquaintance who is attending to bring it to the service. A short message to the family before or after the funeral is always appropriate; your sympathy and a few words about the deceased are enough. It is important to remember the bereaved after the funeral too: a contact weeks or months later often means more than one on the funeral day. If the deceased wished for a donation to a cause instead of flowers, you can make it from a distance and mention it in your message.

Conduct at the memorial gathering

You attend the memorial gathering by invitation. The invitation can be given in the death notice, in person or at the end of the blessing, when one of the family invites everyone present; if you have not been invited, it is polite to remember the deceased with a card or flowers and leave the gathering to the family. If the invitation asks you to register, do so by the stated date and mention any dietary needs, because the catering is ordered by headcount. No flowers are laid at the gathering; they were laid at the coffin or the grave. The programme is drawn up by the family, and taking the floor is appropriate once the family has opened it for free contributions. Keep a speech short and respectful of the deceased. Leave by thanking the family; you need not stay for the whole programme, but do not leave during a speech. The gathering usually lasts 2 to 4 hours.

Thanks and the thank-you notice

At the end of the memorial gathering, one of the family thanks the guests for their sympathy and for coming. After the funeral the family can also thank those who sent a card or flowers but could not attend. Common ways are a thank-you card, a personal message and a thank-you notice in the newspaper, thanking everyone who remembered the deceased and attended the funeral. The notice is usually published after the funeral and can be short: thanks for the sympathy, the flowers and the remembrance. We draft and place the thank-you notice in the paper just as we do the death notice; the newspaper's price varies by paper and size. So that the thanks reach everyone, note down who sent cards and flowers; we compile a list of the cards and flower ribbons left at the blessing for you. Thank-you cards can be ordered through us together with the printed programme for the gathering.

Social media and photography

Do not announce the death or the funeral on social media before the closest family have done so themselves or given permission. Sharing the deceased's name, the death notice or the funeral date is the family's decision; if they publish the death notice online, it can be shared discreetly without additions of your own. No photographs or video are taken at the blessing without the family's explicit permission, and pictures of the coffin or of mourners are not published. If the family wish the service to be recorded or streamed to relatives taking part from afar, this is agreed in advance and one agreed person does the filming; recording or a remote link can be arranged with us. A group photo at the memorial gathering may be the family's wish, but the pictures are shared only among those who attended. Sympathy can be expressed on social media by private message; public comments belong only after the family have spoken about it themselves.

What you can leave to us

As the family, you do not have to teach etiquette to your guests. We record the deceased's wishes on dress and flowers in the death notice and the invitation, take registrations, show guests to their seats in the chapel, brief the bearers, announce when flowers are laid, compile the cards and flower ribbons into a list for the thank-yous, and draft and place the thank-you notice and cards. As a guest, you can call us if you are unsure about any custom; we are glad to answer people other than the family too. Every choice, price and date is visible in the family's shared online space, where every relative sees the same information. Call 09 6129 890 or book a planning visit at Annankatu 12; the visit is free of charge. We also come to your home if needed, and we serve you in Finnish, Swedish and English.

Frequently asked questions