Support in grief: help alongside the practical

Grief is individual

The death of someone close brings many kinds of feelings, and everyone grieves in their own way: one talks a lot, another is quiet, a third takes on the practical tasks. None of these is wrong. Grieving uses up strength, so it is wise not to demand too much of yourself in the first weeks. Talking helps most people, but the person you talk to need not be family; some find it easier to talk to an outsider in front of whom they need not be strong. The funeral is one way to grieve: the blessing and the memorial reception give those close to the deceased a shared moment to remember and give thanks, so the ceremony should not be cut down merely because of tiredness. In the following sections we describe where to find someone to talk to and peer support, how to include children, whether you get time off work, who decides the arrangements, and what you can leave to us. All the support we mention is open regardless of whether the grieving person belongs to the church.

Parish grief groups and the church's talk service

The Evangelical Lutheran parishes run grief groups where people who have lost someone close meet under guidance. You can join a group even if you do not belong to the church or have never taken part in parish activities. The church's talk service offers a confidential conversation if you cannot or do not want to talk about your feelings with family and friends. You can also contact the pastor and the diaconal workers of your own parish directly, and the conversations are confidential. The officiating pastor meets the family before the funeral; in that conversation you can talk about more than the practical side of the ceremony, and the pastor's service is free. In a hospital the hospital chaplain is reached through the staff, and a shared moment of devotion can be held for the family beside the deceased. The groups' times and contact details are on each parish's own pages; we are glad to tell you where to start.

• Parish grief groups: peer support in a guided group, open to everyone
• The church's talk service: a confidential conversation
• The pastor or diaconal worker of your own parish
• The hospital chaplain through the staff, and a devotion for the family

Health care, crisis services and peer support

If grief feels overwhelming, support is available from health care professionals. The first contact is your own health centre or the wellbeing services county's crisis services, which exist precisely for sudden and heavy life situations. It is worth turning to a professional when everyday life does not start to work even after several weeks; seeking help is not a sign of weakness but an ordinary part of grief. Peer support is also offered by many organisations that run groups, for example for those who have lost a spouse, a child or a parent. In a peer group the others have been through the same, and for many it is an easier place to talk than their own family. Parish grief groups and organisations' groups complement each other, and you can take part in both. Our funeral advisor is not a therapist but knows whom to contact, and tells you without you having to justify the question.

Children and the funeral

With children it is good to talk about death directly and to explain beforehand what happens at the funeral: where you will be, who speaks, what the coffin looks like and what is done with the flowers. A child expresses grief in their own way, and it does not always look like an adult's grief. At the funeral a child may move about and show feelings; there is no need to demand silent sitting. A child needs an adult who is there for them throughout the ceremony; if the parents are themselves deep in grief, it is worth arranging another familiar adult. A child can also take part by doing something: drawing a card that is placed in the coffin as agreed, choosing a flower or lighting a candle at the memorial reception. If a child does not want to come, they are not forced, but the chance should be offered, because the funeral helps many children understand what has happened. The parishes also have support for those who have lost a child and for grieving children; ask your own parish.

Time off work

The death of someone close is grounds for time off work, but the law does not set the number of days. Most collective agreements provide paid leave on the day of the funeral, and the employer may also grant unpaid leave for the arrangements and for grieving. Ask your employer or manager about the practice as soon as possible after the death, and tell them the funeral date once it is known. Funerals are usually held 2 to 4 weeks after the death, so the leave can be split: a few days at once and the funeral day later. Entrepreneurs and students arrange their absence themselves. You do not need to handle the arrangements during the working day: our office answers the phone around the clock, and in your family's shared online space you can review and approve matters when it suits you. Bank matters and the estate inventory can be handled remotely, and the inventory meeting takes under an hour once the deed is prepared.

Leave the practical load to the office

Alongside grief, practical matters use up strength, and those are exactly what you can leave to us. In the first call it is enough to tell us who has died and where the deceased is now; nothing needs to be decided on the first evening, and the hospital or care home keeps the deceased until collection. You decide the form of burial and the character of the ceremony; for everything else you receive a proposal that you can accept or change. We meet at the office, at your home or remotely, and the planning visit is free. In your family's shared online space every relative sees the same choices, prices and schedule, so nobody has to act as messenger between relatives. The only deadline worth keeping in mind is the estate inventory within three months of the death; you can leave that to us as well.

• Collection of the deceased, transports and dressing
• Coffin, urn and flowers
• The burial permit and the bookings with the parish and the crematorium
• The newspaper death notice and the memorial reception arrangements
• The estate inventory at 590 euros for our funeral clients

When the family disagrees about the arrangements

Grief can bring old tensions to the surface, and sometimes there is disagreement about the funeral. The Burial Act gives an order: if the deceased explicitly wished a certain person to handle the burial, that wish decides. Otherwise the spouse or cohabiting partner and the closest heirs may handle the arrangements; if none of them does, another close person may, and as a last resort the home municipality. The deceased's own conviction and wishes must be respected in the form of burial, the cremation and the placing of the ashes. If the family cannot agree, the matter is decided by the district court of the deceased's home municipality. A dispute is best avoided by writing down everyone's wishes and agreeing who is the contact person towards the office; the shared online space helps, because everyone sees the same information. Disagreements about the estate inventory and the division of the inheritance belong to a lawyer or the legal aid office; our office draws up the estate deed but does not handle disputes. Recorded funeral wishes prevent disagreement best; see the guide on the funeral will and advance planning.

There is no hurry with the memorial

There is no deadline for acquiring a gravestone or other memorial, and a memorial is not compulsory. Many order the stone only months after the funeral, once they have had time to consider the text and shape in peace. Before the stone is made the parish approves a memorial plan, and we handle it for you; in Espoo a new memorial may be brought to the grave between 1 June and 31 October once three months have passed since the burial. The ashes, by contrast, do have a deadline: they must be placed permanently in one place within a year of the cremation. The urn lowering can still wait until summer or until the relatives can gather, and the Helsinki parish union's crematorium stores the urn free for six months. The memorial reception can also be held later than the blessing, for example at the urn lowering. Everything that does not have to be decided now can wait, and we always tell you what is genuinely urgent and what is not.

Visiting the grave and All Saints' Day

Visiting the grave is for many a part of grieving and remembering. In summer you can bring flowers to the grave, and the memorial groves have a shared place for flowers and candles. In Finland it is customary to light a candle at the grave especially on All Saints' Day in November and at Christmas; a candle in a lantern or an LED candle is the best option for the cemetery. The deceased's name is read at the home parish service, in Espoo usually on the Sunday after the blessing, and on All Saints' Day those who died during the year are remembered with a candle. The grave rights holder is responsible for the care of the grave, but care can be bought from the parish for a fee if visiting the grave is not possible. Those who grieve deserve to be remembered after the funeral too: a call, a message or a visit often means more after some months than in the first week, when contacts are many.

What you can leave to us and the next step

Our funeral advisor listens first and only then makes suggestions. We meet at the office on Annankatu, at your home in Helsinki, Espoo, Vantaa or Kauniainen, or remotely, and we set aside as much time for the conversation as you need. You can leave to us all the practical matters of the funeral, the estate inventory and the contact with the parish, the crematorium, the florist and the restaurant. We also tell you where to find someone to talk to and peer support if you do not know where to start. We serve you in Finnish, Swedish and English. Call 09 6129 890 or book a planning visit at Annankatu 12; the visit is free. The phone is answered around the clock, and the office is open on weekdays from 9 to 16. Courtyard parking is free, with the entrance from the Uudenmaankatu 17 side.

Frequently asked questions